What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
