it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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