really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
