i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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