i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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