textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
