his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
