I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
