Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
