i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
