Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
