all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
