I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
