Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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