I accidentally had phone sex last night
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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