I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
