As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
