Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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