i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
