yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Hippo gnu deer
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
