i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
