its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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