my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
they're like a gay fantastic four
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Randomize
