Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
