they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
