Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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