Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
