dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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