Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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