After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Randomize
