ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
