im six kinds of drunk right now
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
