I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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