can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
