my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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