And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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