omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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