I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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