I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
