Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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