he wants to bone in the snuggie
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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