Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
