please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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