is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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