I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
