Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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