yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
