Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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