Umm I'm too high to move.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
