This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
