I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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