you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
