totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
